This email was doing the rounds in 2013, against a backdrop of angst in the media over Essendon's 'peptide' issues & ASADA reports suggesting drugs in Australian sport were widespread. It circulated a number of times, with different Carlton jokes attached, but this cleaned up version found it's way into my email account in March 2013:
Dear Carlton Football Club,
For the past 100 years we've had a rich history of salary cap breaching, underworld ties, tanking, poaching players, draft tampering, owning Arden Street, VISY, corporate corruption, & brown paper bags. We have the biggest trophy cabinet in the league and decades of constant success driven by a win-at-all-costs mentality while showing utter disregard for all AFL rules. As a passionate supporter I have fully embraced our culture and I am extremely proud of what it had allowed us achieve.
So when I heard about this systematic doping scandal I expected that as a powerhouse club we would be at the absolute forefront of this science. That we would have set up our own underground drug labs and the worlds best sport scientists concocting all sorts of performance enhancing recipes in-house that no-one had ever heard of. We'd probably even be conducting illegal human testing on Norf's second tier playing list as a part of our ownership of their club.
But no, we are in the middle of the biggest cheating scandal in AFL history and Carlton is not even one little bit involved. Not a single mention, not even a hint of a mention. In fact the only drugs administered at the Carlton Football Club over the past few years are botox injections.
There may be loser clubs like the saints & Bulldogs who would be happy to accept decades of mediocrity while playing within AFL rules - but not Carlton supporters. The fact that undetectable performance-enhancing drugs exists and we are not fully exploiting them to our advantage is an utter disgrace. It goes against the fabric and principles that this very club was built on.
You have changed Carlton. You have lost the very identity that made you a huge success and the envy of 15 other clubs. Get back to your roots, cheat your hearts out and start ordering a few more shelves for our club's trophy cabinet.
(Anonymous)
Dear Carlton Football Club,
For the past 100 years we've had a rich history of salary cap breaching, underworld ties, tanking, poaching players, draft tampering, owning Arden Street, VISY, corporate corruption, & brown paper bags. We have the biggest trophy cabinet in the league and decades of constant success driven by a win-at-all-costs mentality while showing utter disregard for all AFL rules. As a passionate supporter I have fully embraced our culture and I am extremely proud of what it had allowed us achieve.
So when I heard about this systematic doping scandal I expected that as a powerhouse club we would be at the absolute forefront of this science. That we would have set up our own underground drug labs and the worlds best sport scientists concocting all sorts of performance enhancing recipes in-house that no-one had ever heard of. We'd probably even be conducting illegal human testing on Norf's second tier playing list as a part of our ownership of their club.
But no, we are in the middle of the biggest cheating scandal in AFL history and Carlton is not even one little bit involved. Not a single mention, not even a hint of a mention. In fact the only drugs administered at the Carlton Football Club over the past few years are botox injections.
There may be loser clubs like the saints & Bulldogs who would be happy to accept decades of mediocrity while playing within AFL rules - but not Carlton supporters. The fact that undetectable performance-enhancing drugs exists and we are not fully exploiting them to our advantage is an utter disgrace. It goes against the fabric and principles that this very club was built on.
You have changed Carlton. You have lost the very identity that made you a huge success and the envy of 15 other clubs. Get back to your roots, cheat your hearts out and start ordering a few more shelves for our club's trophy cabinet.
(Anonymous)